Friday, May 27, 2011

what I know now..

I was thinking the other day about all the Lord has taught me after my long 4 1/2 year journey Adam and I have been on and I thought it was important to speak it.

What I know now is that the Lord is faithful.
The Lord is gracious.  He is gracious to all my mistakes and I can rest in that.
The Lord loves ME.  This was one lesson he really worked on me with.  For so long I was so works centered and didn't understand how I deserved his great love when I wasn't reading my Bible everyday or doing hour long Bible studies.  He loves me just as much when Im sitting on the couch watching TV as he does when Im worshiping him in the shower.  He loves me NO MATTER what.  What a relief to know it, believe it and trust it.
The Lord is trustworthy.  This was a huge lesson I had to learn.  I never REALLY had to trust the Lord before.  I always "trusted" Him but during this journey I had to. There were many decisions Adam and I made with my health that didn't make sense in our worldly view, but we trusted that it was his leading and he knew WAY better than we ever will.  Praise Him for that!
The Lord cares about me.  This goes along with Him loving me but when I think of Him caring for me I think about His arms around me when Im balling my eyes out, I think about Him crying next to me and looking me in the eyes and feeling my pain.  That has been such a comfort when I felt like no one understood my situation.
The Lord is GOOD.  I learned that He is not out to punish me, hurt me, or just watch me struggle.  He has a purpose for all and that He was allowing me to be put through this a reason and for His good.
The Lords voice.  I am still learning this one but I have had to distinguish His voice from the enemies.  The enemy did and is still trying to destroy what the Lord has done by trying to make me believe his lies.  He makes me so mad.

I have seen so much fruit from my journey.  It has been difficult to say the least, wearisome, lonely at times, depressing, and just plain annoying.  BUT if I hadn't gone through it all I would not have learned forgiveness, compassion, endurance and patience.  I cringe saying it but I would go through it all again to get where I am today.  Lets hope thats not the case.

He has been so faithful to us and a huge example is Isaiah's birth.
If you read in the last post I was a complete mess when it came to going to get induced with him.  The morning of the induction I woke up at 5 and could not for the life of me go back to sleep.  I was shaken with way too much adrenaline.  We had Grandpa Mayes funeral, which was way too emotional, beautiful and special, that morning.  Right after his burial we headed to the hospital.  About 3 o'clock I was given half a dose of cervadil (sp?) By 5 o'clock I was stating to feel slight contractions but they really were light and I could have labored like that all day.  Asher flew in that afternoon and so she was able to come straight to the hospital and help calm my nerves :)
About 9:30 pm we decided to break my water because I was still progressing but it was still pretty easy.  Within 10 minutes of having my water broke things intensified by 10.  I was immediately discouraged by the pain and knowing how long I was in labor the Josiah I didn't think I could get through it naturally again.  It was too much.  I seriously thought about getting an epidural but I could not have even sat up to get it if I wanted one so I was stuck doing it naturally again.  The one thing that got me through each contraction was picturing going in to Josiah's room in the morning and him saying "hi, mommy".  Its my favorite part of the getting him :)  It helped to remember what I was doing this for.
A little bit before 11pm I was ready to push and the first time they checked me I was still at 7, talk about ANNOYING!  By 11 though I knew there was no holding him him so THANK THE LORD I had progressed to 10.  When the pushing started a huge fear came over me because now was the time we were going to find out if he was going to get stuck or not.  I think I pushed during two contractions and he popped right out and was born at 11:10pm.  Dr. Box said that his little hand was right up next to his face and all she had to do was grab it and he came out perfectly.  She also told my mom that she had been praying all day that he would have a hand up.  Praise the Lord!  It was such a testimony to our prayers throughout the pregnancy.  
I was able to hold him right away and that was an amazing feeling.  He ended up being smaller than the doctors were thinking.  I was so overwhelmed after his birth that I couldn't help but raise my hands and just praise the Lord.  I just kept saying thank you, Lord, thank you.  He is so good.
I am thrilled to have it all over with and I feel so loved by the Lord that he allowed it to go so smoothly!   I mean I went from having a 26 hour labor to a 7 hour labor where I only really "labored" for an hour and a half!  WHAT?!  Yes please.
Wow so I am apparently long winded today.  Forgive me.

I will be uploading images from our little shoot soon.  I just need time to edit them :)


Jen May 27, 2011 at 1:11 PM  

Beautiful, beautiful post Allie!

Thanks for the reminder of how great our God is!

A. BRYAN PHOTOGRAPHY May 27, 2011 at 6:57 PM  

thank you, I find it hard sometimes to sit down and actually write it all out but oh it is wonderful to be able to look back on later :)

JODI June 16, 2011 at 5:41 AM  

yikes, just now getting around to reading all your posts! awesome, allie, awesome! it's amazing God cares enough to use our circumstances to shape us!! It truly is a mercy. So happy and proud of you for all you've learned.... :) ps. we will invite you over for dinner soon!!!

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